I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
