so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
