I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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