if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
