Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My penis needs a shock collar
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
