the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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