Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
