today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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