it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
