There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
