Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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