Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
