At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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