Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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