and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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