One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
