Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
