I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sarcasm needs its own font
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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