grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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