i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
