his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
