and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
