I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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