For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
