just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
