at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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