What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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