I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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