fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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