just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
