you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
