Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
