There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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