he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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