Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
