im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
