well I can't set my house on fire every night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
