i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
