i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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