He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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