Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think people are normalizing furries
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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