hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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