I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
