so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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