No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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