i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
