I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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