One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
