whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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