Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
