My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
