I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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