Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
