The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
a search helicopter?!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
