She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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