Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
