When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I AM VODKA MAN
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
